A gust of bitterly cold wind pierced through my tattered clothes. The rough wind brushes against my unshaven, coarse skin. I stood there, squinting my eyes to look beyond the colorless ocean; maybe in search for nothing, or maybe in search for something. Maybe in search for her. A thunder of waves crashes against the wall of the cliff. I dropped my bottle of whiskey – – and as the glass shatters to thousands of pieces, Lily’s cries for help rippled through my mind. A wave of memories sucked me into the void of my dark past.
That day, Lily came out of her classroom with her lacy white sundress and warming smile, pleading to visit the beach. I agreed undoubtedly, but that day, the thought of Lily’s mother running off with that scoundrel kept resurfacing. I cursed and raged in the car, never once thinking about how she would react. As I was unpacking the beach towels and her sand castle toys, I heard Lily’s distant voice,
“Daddy, here’s a flower to cheer you up!”
Lily was skipping on the edge of a towering cliff where the daisies grew. She wasn’t even afraid of the cliff if it meant giving a daisy to me.
“Lily BE CAREFUL!”
I dropped the toys to run towards her, but my foot tripped on that damn rock and pushed her. I could feel her laced dress graze against the tip of my fingers. I could hear her cries for help muffled by the crashing waves. I could see the terror ensuing on her face. And I knew if I was able to grab her fast enough, this all wouldn’t have happened. If I could’ve been more careful running, I would have caught her. If I hadn’t been so furious, she wouldn’t have to worry about picking that daisy. And in the midst of the bitter atmosphere, Lily was let go, like a fallen angel.
I shut my eyes, remembering how Lily only loved polka dotted patterns instead of stripes. How she would climb over every furniture pretending the floor was lava. Begging to get strawberry frozen yogurt after dinner. Or telling me to stay beside her until she fell asleep. She was the only reason I push myself every day at work. I would now come home and see the furniture lay quiet, and motionless. I would fall asleep not hearing her soft snores next to me.
I realized how powerless a man was against the demons of fate. A painful tear cut across my cheek to let all the grief gush out. I sighed shakily with my breath imbued with the stench of alcohol. I neared over to the same cliff, the same daisies, the same sound of rumbling waves. How could the world stay the same after Lily’s death? The hymns of the wind whispered to my ears to jump, to leap, to set myself free from this suffering. Defeated by the whispers, I plummet, knowing I will never forgive myself.